


Dear Diary

by Crazy_panda_25



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, mentions of the Black family - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 23:50:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9572321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy_panda_25/pseuds/Crazy_panda_25
Summary: Remus has kept a diary for as long as he can remember. He started shortly after he was bitten as it gave him a way to let his emotions out without having to burden anyone else with them. Anytime he felt alone or just wanted to write down exactly what he's feeling, he'd write in his diary.





	

 

Remus has kept a diary for as long as he can remember. He started shortly after he was bitten as it gave him a way to let his emotions out without having to burden anyone else with them. Anytime he felt alone or just wanted to write down exactly what he's feeling, he'd write in his diary.

"What ya doing, Moony?" Sirius asks, jumping on the sofa next to Remus.

"Nothing," Remus replies, shutting the diary quickly before Sirius reads over his shoulder.

"Now I'm even more curious, what's that," Sirius points to the book held tightly in Remus' hands.

"Homework," Remus lies, hoping Sirius won't ask anymore.

"Liar," Sirius says, cocking his head to the side.

"How so?" Remus says, surprised at how easily Sirius could see through him.

"Well firstly you're a terrible liar and secondly I know we don't have anymore homework to do," Sirius says, smirking.

"Just 'cause it's the holidays doesn't mean we don't have homework," Remus says, he and Sirius had both stayed at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays because Sirius didn't want to put the Potters out and Remus because he didn't fancy going home to his parents fussing round him.

"What subject is it then?" Sirius asks, smirking when Remus' face drops, "I knew it, so come on what is it then."

"It's my diary," Remus says, sighting, why did he find it so hard to say no to Sirius?

"Cool. Wait...since when did you have a diary?" Sirius asks, biting his bottom lip.

"Since...erm..." Remus stammers, forcing his eyes away from Sirius' lips to look at the book balancing on his knee, "Since forever."

"So what do you right in there then? Thoughts? Feeling? Crushes?" Sirius winks at him suggestively.

"N-no I..." Remus stammers.

"Come on, Moons, surely some fit bird has caught your eye," Sirius says, smirking suggestively.

"N-no. I don't have a crush on anyone," Remus says, adding in his head 'except you.'

"Shame. I'm sure any bird would be lucky to have you," Sirius says, smirking.

"You think so?" Remus says, raising one eyebrow, confused.

"Yeah, you're kind, funny and smart....oh and patient, you must be to put up with us lot all the time," Sirius laughs.

"You and I both know no one would want to be with me if they knew my furry little problem," Remus says, looking down at his hands that are still holding his diary.

"You're not your condition, Moony. If that stops anyone then they'd be an idiot to let you go just because of something you have no control over," Sirius says, softly, "trust me, you'll find someone who likes you for who you are one day."

"I'm going to bed, you coming?" Sirius asks, standing up.

"I'll be there in a bit," Remus answers, his voice sounding hoarse even to him

Remus watches Sirius get up and walk up the stairs to the dorm before sighing. It would be a lot easier to find someone who likes him for him if Sirius was in anyway interested in him. He's straight, Remus, he was just being nice by saying all those things. Picking up his diary, Remus starts to write.

  
Dear Diary,

Had just about the same old day today. Boring really. It's Christmas in two days and I'm pretty sure Sirius has planned a prank for Christmas morning and yes I am going to talk about Sirius again. Don't I always? He was both so nice and so clueless tonight. He was telling me that I was kind, funny and smart. From the man that gets O's in literally everything and can make the whole school laugh, even the Slytherins, that's a massive compliment. The worst part of it was that he was trying to get me to admit who I had a crush on. Imagine if I'd just said, "yeah, I do have a crush on someone. It's you. I've had a crush on you since second year." He would have either legged it or punched my lights out. I don't know which one would be worst.

I hate it so much. I shouldn't be hiding these types of feelings for my best friend. I don't know how he'd react, how they'd all react, if I told them I was gay. Sirius' family have no doubt gone on and on about how being gay is wrong to Sirius. Actually, no, that doesn't mean anything. They did the same about the werewolf thing and he's still here. He was the first one to accept it, first one to tell me that I'm not my condition. I think I will tell him, not about the feeling thing but about the gay thing.

Write again tomorrow if I have a chance.

  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The next morning, Remus wakes up on the sofa with an aching neck and back.

"Told you to come to bed," Sirius laughs, watching his friend move his head around stiffly.

"I can't even remember going to sleep," Remus answers, suddenly his eyes shoot open when he realises his diary isn't here.

"Don't worry your diary's on the table, it was on the floor. Don't look at me like that I didn't read it," Sirius says, honestly.

"I...er...wanted to talk to you about something actually," Remus says, sighing, it was now or never, "about what you said last night."

"That someone would be stupid to not like you because of your furry little problem?" Sirius says, cocking his head to the right like a dog.

"K-kind of. I-it's not just because of that, that I've never had any girlfriends," Remus says, not meeting Sirius eyes.

"Okay, so why else?" Sirius asks, confused.

"I'm gay, Sirius, I'm g-gay," Remus blurts out, resting his head in his hands and waiting for Sirius' reply.

"It's okay, it doesn't matter," Sirius says, softly, "I don't care whether your straight, gay, bi, pan or what ever else you might be. You're still Remus."

"Y-you don't m-mind?" Remus chokes, tears of relief welling up in his eyes.

"What did you think I was going to do? Shout at you for something you can't control? Beat you up because you like men?" Sirius says, shaking his head, "I don't mind and I know James won't either. Peter is...debatable but he'd come round, always does."

"Thank you so much," Remus says, pulling Sirius into a tight hug, which Sirius relaxes into after a few seconds.

"Can I tell you a secret, Moony?" Sirius whispers, their faces inches apart.

"Yeah?" Remus whispers back.

"I'm bi," Sirius whispers, closing the gap between them.

The kiss is very brief. Sirius is the first to pull back with a slightly alarmed look on his face.

"I-I...t-that," Sirius stutters, getting up suddenly confusing Remus, "we're gonna miss breakfast," with that Sirius is gone leaving Remus alone to his thoughts.

Staring at the portrait hole that Sirius has just left though, Remus feels a sense of loss all of a sudden. In the space of two minutes, Sirius has just made his dreams come true and dashed them right in front of his face. Remus suddenly feels angry. Is this just another one of Sirius' games? Does Sirius get his kicks from messing with people's feelings? Deciding to go to breakfast but completely ignore Sirius, Remus goes to change his clothes and brush his hair quickly before leaving.

  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
To Remus' suprise, Sirius isn't at breakfast...or lunch or dinner and hadn't gone back to the common room at all. The two of them and Lily are the only Griffindors that stayed at Hogwarts this Christmas so it is silent as Remus writes how he's feeling in his diary before reading his book. When curfew came and went Remus starts to get worried. James had 'accidentally' taken the Marauders Map home with him and they didn't feel safe sending it back by owl so Remus has no way of locating Sirius without leaving the Griffindor tower.

"Lily?" Remus says, seeing Lily climb through the portrait hole, "have you seen Sirius? I haven't since this morning."

"You two fallen out or something?" Lily asks, "yeah, I saw him at lunch time in the astronomy tower. He looked absolutely miserable, I even thought he was gonna jump at first..."

"You what?" Remus exclaims, wide eyed.

"He wasn't, don't worry. It's just he looked like he'd been crying, he denied it, obviously," Lily answers, quickly.

"Okay, Lily thanks," Remus says, getting up to go out the portrait hole.

"It's past curfew, Remus, if you get caught..." Lily says, grabbing his arm.

"I won't get caught. I'm a marauder remember," Remus says, smirking at Lily before leaving to go find Sirius.

  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
"I can't do this now, Remus," Sirius says, not even turning round to look at Remus as he comes in.

"We need to talk," Remus says, softly.

"We can talk tomorrow," Sirius answers, firmly, still not turning round from looking at the stars.

"Stop that," Remus says, sharply.

"Stop what?" Sirius says, finally looking round, confused.

"Thinking about them," Remus answers, nodding at the star filled sky, "it doesn't matter what they think."

"Does it not?" Sirius asks, his voice quiet, "most if the things they've said are true."

"Sirius, listen to me, nothing they've ever said is true. Please I've told you this before so has James," Remus says, sitting down beside Sirius to get him to listen.

Sirius unbuttons the end of his sleeves and rolls them up to show his scar littered arms. Pointing to the words carved onto the inside of his wrists: worthless, scum.

"Don't, Sirius, please don't," Remus says, softly covering the two words with his hands, "they aren't true."

"I don't deserve you," Sirius whispers, quietly, "I don't deserve anyone."

"Is that you speaking or them?" Remus says, shaking his head as tears well up in his own eyes, "what happened to my arrogant, happy-go-lucky friend?"

"He doesn't exist, Remus. It's a show, it's all a show," Sirius says, looking out into the sky, "that's why I walked away before. You'll never want the real me"

"Read this," Remus says, forcing his diary into Sirius hands, "read it and tell me I don't want you. Tell me I don't love you."

"Remus, please just.....," Sirius says, trying to give the book back to Remus.

"No, read it and stop being a massive idiot," Remus says, softly, "you keep saying that I'm too hard on myself when you do the exact same."

"You didn't chose to be a werewolf," Sirius mutters, so quiet that Remus nearly didn't hear him.

"Yeah and you didn't chose to be born to a family that convince you that you're not worth anything...when you are. You're worth everything. You're Sirius, the boy that holds the record for the most detentions with his best mate, the boy that would rather die then betray his friends, the boy that went against everything that his family stood for because he knew they had twisted views," Remus says, firmly, "the boy I fell in love with because he was the first to prove to me that just 'cause I am a werewolf doesn't mean I can't have friends."

"I'm not loyal, I betrayed you once..."

"...And you'll never do that again and it was an accident. I know you will never do anything like that again," Remus intrupts, shaking his head.

"I love you too, Remus," Sirius says, stormy grey eyes meeting green.

They hold each other's gaze for a long moment. Neither of them know which one of them leaned in first but all of a sudden they were kissing. The kiss is longer and deeper then the first. Tangling his hand in Sirius long black hair, Remus pulls Sirius face closer to deepen the kiss. They only separate when their lungs burn from the lack of oxygen.

"You're a good kisser, Moony," Sirius whispers, resting his forehead against Remus'.

"You're not so bad yourself, Pads," Remus whispers back, closing his eyes.

"Tired?" Sirius asks.

"Content," Remus answers, opening his eyes, "I didn't think this could happen."

"Me neither," Sirius says, a playful smile appearing on his face, "I'm glad it did though."

"Yeah, me too," Remus agrees, kissing him again.

"We should get back to the dorm, it's getting cold up here," Sirius says, when they separate for the second time.

"It was your chose of venue," Remus jokes, smiling.

"Didn't think we'd be doing this, did I?" Sirius says, smirks, "I come up here all the time when I'm upset."

"I thought it was just a place you came to think," Remus says, softly.

"Depends what I'm thinking about," Sirius answers, getting up and offering his hand to Remus to help him up.

They head back to the common room, making sure to stay out of Filch's way.

"Where have you two been, it's well past curfew," the fat lady scolds.

"Tinsel," Sirius says, ignoring her.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"You two okay now?" Lily asks, making the two boys jump.

"Yeah, we are," Remus says, while Sirius nods.

"That's good," Lily says, smiling at them.

"We'll see you tomorrow, Evans," Sirius says, smiling back at her before heading to the boys dorm.

"Night, Black," She calls, shaking her head.

Remus smirks before saying, "Still not on first name basis yet?"

"Don't think we ever will be," Lily says, smirking.

"Now that you and James are a thing, I'm sure it won't take long for him to call you Lily," Remus says.

"I better get to bed. Night Remus," Lily says, heading to the girls dorm.

"Night," Remus calls back, before heading to his own dorm with a smile on his face.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
"You alright?" Remus asks Sirius when he gets to the dorm.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Sirius answers, smiling slightly.

"You seem like you're in a world of your own," Remus says, sitting on Sirius bed.

"A world of your own? Is that a muggle saying or something?" Sirius asks, cocking his head.

"Yeah, it means like stuck in your thoughts or thinking to much," Remus says.

"Oh. I'm just thinking about James and Peter," Sirius answers, looking at Remus before adding, "how do you think they'll react? About us, I mean?"

"Just like you told me before, James will be fine with it and Peter will come round eventually," Remus answers, softly.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just being stupid, sorry," Sirius says, nodding.

"No change there then," Remus jokes, laughing when Sirius throws a pillow at him.

They spent hours pillow fighting, laughing and chatting before Sirius falls asleep. Remus smiles, fondly at him before getting off the bed to write in his diary.

Dear Diary,

Today has been the best day of my life....

  

 


End file.
